" Did you watch American Idol last night? Sanjaya was not eliminated. Did you know that Sanjaya is an ancient Indian name meaning "William Hung.” Did you know that?'
-Jay Leno
"South Florida police released the results of Anna Nicole’s Smith’s autopsy. It turns out Anna Nicole Smith died of a drug overdose. Basically she had every known drug in the world in her body. Her attorney and her fake husband Howard K. Stern was concerned she was taking too many drugs and asked her doctor if there was pill she could take for that."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"Actor Keanu reeves is accused of hitting a celebrity photographer with his Porsche Tuesday while leaving a parking lot. The good news, there was no damage done to the Porsche. I was so worried."
-Jay Leno
"I can’t avoid it, so I’ll talk about American Idol. Everyone’s talking about Sanjaya. I will always take gimmicky hair over talent. That’s why I like Donald Trump."
-Craig Ferguson
"Happy birthday to Hugh Heffner — 81 years old today. Quite a guy. You know, Hugh Heffner takes so much Viagra, that when he dies it’s going to be an open coffin."
-David Letterman
"According to a new poll, 29 percent of U.S. households do not have Internet access and have little hope of getting it. You know what the technical name is for people with no hope of Internet access? AOL customers."
-Jay Leno
"In New York City this week, officials found 400 pigeons and 250 rats living in an apartment. I understand that they are turning it into a Taco Bell franchise."
-Jay Leno
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You're Watching Too Much "American Idol"
10. At confession, you say, "Forgive me, dawg, for I have sinned"
9. Each week, you vote one of your kids out of the house
8. After sex you say to your wife in a Brittish accent, "Awful. Just pathetic"
7. FOX switchboard operator knows you by name
6. When "Idol" comes on, so do the adult diapers
5. Had your stomach stapled like Randy and you weren't even overweight
4. You understand what Paula Abdul is blabbing about
3. No number 3 — writer watching "American Idol"
2. Got Adam Sandler to guest host your talk show so you could stay home and vote for Sanjaya
1. Your TiVo recommends you get some counseling