"This week in Texas, a fire broke out in a warehouse destroying 2,000 pounds of marijuana. Officials say more than 60 firefighters and 2,000 college students responded to the blaze. "

-Conan O'Brien

"Paris is free ladies and gentlemen. She was let out of jail last night. Now she has a record. She has a record. Which sounds bad, but it doesn’t sound nearly as bad as her CD. But the record is bad."

-Jay Leno